Introduction
{ trigger warning : sexual assault }
For the last eight years, my birthday has been bittersweet, as it falls within the same week my virginity was taken from me, through rape, right before my 21st birthday.
Today, as I turn 29, I am embarking on a quest to reclaim my erotic expression.
As is common in survivors of sexual violence, after my rape, my body’s response was to shut down my sexuality entirely, out of fear that I might “provoke” further violence from men.
For the past 8 years, I identified as “asexual,” which for me meant that I was not sexually active or motivated by sexual attraction.
Now, I have realized that I was in such a state of fear around my sexuality, that my desire to be sexual was completely turned off because it did not feel safe.
It is time for me to reclaim & explore my sexuality, on my own terms, from a place of power, sovereignty, and choice.
Now, here’s the part that makes my forthcoming exploration perhaps a bit unusual, but also uniquely valuable :
I wish to engage in this healing process of erotic exploration–letting go of my “virginity” in all the ways I have not yet felt safe enough to try—witnessed, through a project of public art.
Some people have expressed concern about my desire to be public about this process; they feel that I would be more protected exploring in private.
I understand this concern, and respectfully elucidate that the purpose of choosing to make my path public is to expand the beneficial effects of this mending process. I have spent many years healing in private, including years of talk therapy, graduate-level studies in counselling psychology, writing a ‘Corporeal Consent’ book, and teaching internationally on these topics. While this multifaceted work has been valuable in many ways, these forms of repair have only taken me so far. Now it is time for me to enter a new phase of my recovery, as I have come to realize that an integral part of reclaiming my agency is to be seen in this process publically – no longer an invisible casualty trapped in a rape culture that hurts us all.
I desire to document my healing journey and new erotic explorations to provide the in-depth framework I did not find while seeking resources & examples for how to recover from sexual violence & re-learn how to relate to others. I also want to acknowledge & address my privilege in living in the Bay Area of California which is at the evolutionary edge of developing these radical healing practices, and make these methodologies known, respected, and accessible worldwide. My dedication to documenting my process, and creating art from this all too common tragedy allows me to place my story in a broader context, in service to igniting a collective revolution : empowering survivors to pursue their own expression of healing, and further embodying a new nurturance-centered caretaking culture.
This life-as-art project is entitled “Healing Harvest from Harm.” I wish for the art I create in collaboration {as invited below} to become a bountiful harvest that creates a meaningful movement out of what could be mistakenly viewed as a seemingly solitary senseless act of violence.
Over the past eight years of processing & healing this trauma, I have come to the point of forgiving the perpetrator in my heart. Of course, what he did was wrong, unacceptable, and criminal. But this is not a problem of one lone operator.
I am painfully aware that the trauma my rapist inflicted is part of a wider cultural system. I am in a place in my process where I am widening my perspective beyond the individual who harmed me, and the individual act of harm, and instead bringing my attention and healing intention towards shifting the wider cultural context of violence in which this man was mis-educated {and within which we all currently dwell}.
I want a total revolution, so that what happened to me never happens to anyone else again.
I want to play my part in sparking this revolution through inspiring collaborative public art, healing, erotic exploration, innovation, and celebration.
~ Here are some of the experiences & types of connections I am seeking to bring into my life, in acts of public witnessing through video & photographic art ~
Practitioners, educators, and lovers who are skilled in hands-on erotic embodiment modalities, who bring a trauma-awareness to their skills, and who are willing to be on camera sharing their gifts. Some of the modalities I would like to explore & intuit would be helpful from my research are : psychedelic therapy, erotic bodywork, sacred spot massage, pelvic release, tantra, BDSM, kink, play parties, and group ceremony.
→ I want to emphasize that, while I am highly cultivated in platonic forms of embodiment, dance, bodywork, and touch, I am essentially a “virgin” when it comes to any/all kinds of erotic touch & experience. I’ve never even had a kiss that was consensual. I want to play with people who can sensitively & patiently meet me where I am, without pressure, expectations, or the slightest insinuation of rush.
→ I want to be clear about the energetic expectations & exchanges with potential participants. At the very earliest stages of my process {where I am now}, I am simply seeking to learn about my own body, desires, and erotic responses. And thus, at this time, I am requesting to play with people who are excited to take the giving role, without expectation of receiving erotic touch from me in return. Ideally, my pleasure will be your pleasure! Later down the line in my process, I foresee that reciprocal pleasure will be delightful for me to share & greatly look forward to that time.
→ Because I am so much of a giver –and, through my trauma, have a pattern of putting others’ needs before mine–this last request is particularly edgy for me. I am seeking people who will proactively notice my default of popping back into the “giver” / “caretaker” role, and who will lovingly but firmly guide me back to exploring my role as receiver of pleasure. I am grateful to be welcomed into experiences through frequent “invitation without expectation.”
As a pansexual I welcome individuals of all genders & orientations. I am deeply open & curious about group experiences & ritual.
I welcome videographers, photographers, editors, & media makers who are inspired to help document & make art with me through this process.
I also invite the involvement of multimedia artists creating symbolic representations of this journey : costume-makers, those who produce tools that would help in this quest, body adornment masters, musicians who would like their work as a soundtrack…etc…
To help spread this project widely I exuberantly call in those skilled in storytelling & distributing media more broadly {PR, journalists, writers…}
~ How to Participate ~
If any of what I’ve written above speaks to you, and you feel like a match to participate, please write to me in a comment below or via private message with: a brief introduction of who you are, what in particular draws you to this project, the skills you bring related to what I’ve written above, and what you would like to contribute & gain from your participation. While not a requirement for involvement, I would appreciate working with people who have undergone / are on an intentional path of healing their own trauma; if this describes you, please share anything you are called to. Lastly, please also convey your understanding & experience around creating an atmosphere of safety & consent around your erotic explorations / spaceholding.
In some cases, I may invite you immediately to participate, based on what you write. In other instances, I may ask for a few references or have additional questions. It is also possible that I may politely express that I don’t believe we’re a good match to work together on this project at this time.
My intention for ‘Healing Harvest from Harm’ is that we co-create a fun, lighthearted, and celebratory revolution together. Collectively, we will demonstrate via edutainment that intentional, consensual ecstatic erotic experience can be an important part of reclaiming wholeness after sexual violence. Cooperatively, we will develop & model new ways of communicating around consent, desire, fulfillment, and mutuality. And ultimately, in documenting & distributing the process, in beautiful art, we will inspire others in their own healing journeys & catalyze worldwide cultural change.
Are you ready to join this reclaiming rapture revolution ?
Please get in touch, following the guidelines above.
And for those who are curious, but are not in a position to participate directly, I welcome & encourage you to follow along in the process by joining my list, posted below. This is a non-commercial list and is only for informing you about the latest art & project updates.
Please share this project widely so that no one feels alone in their healing process as we collaboratively cure our culture.
My birthday wish is that we co-create a world of peace in pleasure.
Let us bring in a Healing Harvest from Harm together.
By my 30th birthday next year I wish for consensual compassionate caretaking culture to be the default mode of being around the world. Hold me to my hope.
newsletter
Further HHH
Healing Harvest from Harm models reclaiming body sovereignty after trauma. Healing Harvest from Harm {HHH} is embodied emotional alchemy, transforming trauma from frozen unfelt paralysis into free-flowing expressive life energy. HHH contributes to the new culture of consent that we are co-creating through sharing tools, techniques, and tales of how to reclaim rapture after rupture.
The HHH guidebook/workshop ‘CoSenZ Consent’ cultivates consent in all directions – developing inner knowledge about preferences & boundaries and how to speak them as well as teaching how to tune into the communication of others. A key component of ‘CoSenZ Consent’ is schooling ‘SomaSenZ’ – honing the ability to use the body as a communication conduit for the subconscious, recognizing the signs of self & other, and deepening dialoguing between them.
The first pillar of CoSenZ is cultivating corporeal confidence – learning the somatic signals of your subconscious communicating through the body. From this familiarity with your subconscious’s vocabulary, you learn to associate body signals with proto-feelings and preemptive indications of triggers / boundaries, ultra-sensitizing your intuition. This development promotes knowing & naming the luscious landscape of your preferences, desires, patterns & boundaries. The second pillar of CoSenZ is practicing conveying personal truths in voice & action through verbal and non-verbal communication. The third pillar of CoSenZ is heightening sensitivity to the body language of others, be they of platonic or romantic relation, and responding with spacious compassion, allowing for maximum freedom. Through dilating perception and deepening dialogue between inner sense and external world we live more authentically and intimately, encouraging those around us to do the same.
X and HHH
CoSenZ Consent would have prevented my violation
I am passionate about expanding access to ‘CosenZ Consent’ and HHH because widespread knowledge of these stories and skills will prevent the desecrations I had to endure from being unexamined and thus perpetuated by default (often due to cycles of victims becoming perpetrators). If we were embedded in a culture that was actively practicing the skills and techniques taught in ‘CoSenZ Consent’, I would not have had a traumatizing series of introductions into sexuality. I would have had knowledge of my preferences, boundaries, and pre-trauma signals, as well as the confidence to speak and advocate for myself. Additionally, my perpetrators would have been trained in reading the body language of others, and would have been able to identify the signs of the ‘Tonic Immobility’ paralysis trauma response that I and many others enter. In this way ‘CoSenZ Consent’ and HHH heal the rift that causes us to drop each other by building a bridge from both sides : encouraging courageous expression of inner world and training perception of the deeper patterns present in how others communicate.
New Directions towards Desire
HHH, as a mirror of my life, has until this point been solely a platonic touch project. Now, after a lifetime of exploring asexual celibacy, I am pushing into the edge of my vulnerability through exploring embodying eros and seeking sexual healing.
HHH is a ‘life as art’ project documenting my process of reclaiming body sovereignty after a series of traumatic introductions into sexuality. Through my transparency in recording this process, HHH becomes a visible example of how to dislodge embodied trauma and explore intimate relationships. As I continue to feel safe and supported in my healing, I become more receptive to recovering my Sovereign Sexuality. I hope to feel sustained enough to explore what I have understandably feared for so long – carnal knowledge.
Sovereign State Sensing, Sexuality, & Sex
When a being is in a Sovereign State of Sensing they are steered by stewardship of their embodiment and energy. An interaction can be said to have Sovereign Status when all parties have felt fully free in choosing how to be interacted with without externally imposed influence. When in a Sovereign State, free will is a regarded as a royal power that all play a role in responsibly respecting. Thus, Sovereign Sexuality is sexual expression that is free and independent, honoring the supreme sovereignty residing in the self as ultimate power in choice. Sovereign Sexuality is the antipode to sexuality that is imposed through outside pressure or coercion from individuals, groups, or cultures. Sovereign Sexuality is inherently anti-shaming, embracing diversity of desire, and champions a framework in which connection is catalyzed by consent. Following this theme, Sovereign Sex is intimacy that is mutually enthusiastically consented to in every unfolding moment (through reading and respecting non-verbal somatic cues and supplementing with verbal inquiry when there is uncertainty or desire for more detail).
Unique meta-perspective
Since high school I have been self-propelled in researching and meta-analyzing the field of psychology to understand the web of relationships and patterns we are embedded in and have a grasp on the gaps in the current models. I am uniquely positioned to ethnographically describe the story of trauma recovery from perspective of both client and therapist– for most of my adult life I have been investigating and healing my own trauma patterns through therapy and academic studies in counselling psychology at Northwestern University and CIIS. The two most major physical injuries of my life diverted me from completing my Masters in Somatic Psychology and instead directed me deep into embodied trauma release, creating consent culture, and producing somatic sanctuaries for body explorers to play and repattern in. From a leadership position in the Movement Movement I analyzed the structures of curative corporeal cultures from within. Through my involvement in Contact Improvisation, Ecstatic Dance, Heart Tribe, Radical Bodywork, BSDM, Kink, play parties, and the sex-positivity & body-positivity movements, I was able to recognize the meta-structures of these scenes. From compiling and categorizing this codex of un/stated cultural codes I harvested a set of guidelines as a roadmap for right relation in the physical realm. My personal experience with witnessing and participating in the power potentiation of group healing fields led me to the creation of therapeutic touch performance healing collective ‘SomanautZ’ and reoriented me towards creating cultural containers for change.
In my deep and diverse studies and healing work I have learned and developed effective tools and techniques that helped me return to wholeness, and I seek to do justice to the privilege of receiving these teachings through sharing best practices. I believe evolution is collective (plus this planet is more fun with playmates).
HHH is my living legacy – creating compassionate cultural conditions so that no one experiences what I survived. I work to weave a world that teaches the skills that will free us from future violation and supports those who have been traumatized to thaw and transform. I know there are many others engaging in process of healing, and I am documenting and distributing my path as one model among many for survivors, allies, helpers, and cultural changemakers. May HHH produce insight and inspiration as an illuminating illustration of integrity in vivo.
As additional resources are given to this project, I look forward to expanding the scope of HHH to include many more stories and technologies beyond those that have served my path so far. In its ideal form, HHH will be a comprehensive guidebook and research portal for evolving and honing methods of trauma release & repatterning as well as cultivating preemptively robust and salubrious consent culture. HHH is in service to healing for us all, and am grateful for your support in furthering our free future.